...thoughts.

theres a gun right next to me



all i can think about is takin the safety off



and blowing my brains out...

I wrote this 7/26 but I still feel this way

While you lay sound asleep in your slumber. I stay awake; I can feel the tension in the air. I haven't felt your touch in hours and it kinda hurts to know that your okay with that. You rest as if nothings wrong and feel cold when I touch you. You go about your day as if everythings good. If that's how life should be lived I'm in another universe. I know you have other things to focus on but I'm always left out in the cold with my heart in dismay. Bothers me that you don't even acknowledge the feelings your hiding, good/bad. Maybe I NEED you too much and you don't need me at all. Or just maybe I look for the good in you when I should be expecting the worse. If I'm not wanted please let me know. You do a 360 when ppl come around. Your happy, well I think, alone with me but you seem hard and cold when its me and others. If its me let me know cuz I have no choice but to think its me. The unspoken words we choose not to speak will build up and come out with hurtful truths and things we didn't mean to say the knives might actually kill us, I hope not. Whose to say tho? 5:48am

...neighbors come a knockin....

So Trouble and I were gettin it on. I was ridin and was gettin a little too loud. Although Trouble and I adored it the upstairs neighbor didn't lol.. By the time I even had time to cum there was a knock at the door. *knock knock* We stop. Look at each other. Troubles under a drug influence; I'm intoxicated. We're rushing to find clothes too answer the door. Some minutes pass and the knocking stops. I'm still drippin wet and so is she. So we're thinking of alternatives to finish. We pick the hallway a good spot but not on a hard as floor. Last week we did it in the shower. I'll get to that.. We finish on the floor in the room and get in the shower. Trouble tries to go at it again but my Rita was sore. The night ends, and we go to sleep, naked :)..

Lol going to sleep and wake up naked makes me wake up super horny. We woke up and Trouble got me, somehow, in one of my favorite positions, from the back. She doesn't know that its my favorite postion either. I'm glad I don't have to tell her what I like, we just get in it. I love that. I love that about us that we didn't have to have the sex talk to know what we like or what we like to do, fav positions or anything. We just did it.

Anyways, we made love in the shower. At first we just had sex and we called it "makin lo" without the -ve... But that night we added the -ve... We decided to take a shower. I got in washed up and so did she. Trouble started kissing me all fast like I gota admit I like it fast but tonight something had me wanting to slow it down. So I did. I pushed her gently up against the show shower wall and started kissing her as soft as I could. Making my way to her neck, shoulders, and collar bone..I feel her body relax in my hands, cuz normally when we're going at it I feel a bit of tension still even though she's comfortable, I think...I hope. But after a few minutes of doing such foreplay her body comes to me. I've never had this happen and I've never felt my heart beat so hard in my chest bcuz of such things happening in a heated moment. That's when I knew she wanted what I wanted, to make love and not make lo... Her body came to me and I took it nice and slow. I loved every moment of it. I even told her I wanted to make love to her... 3/29/10 is a night to remember

But other than love making. Things have been good/okay with us. We know we didn't expect things to go this far between us at all things just happen. I'm glad they have happened. Some days though you can tell we just don't know what to do and with that we just become cold to one another neither of us will talk or show affection towards one another, its crazy but some days I just don't know what to do. I feel like sometimes I have crossed too many lines and stepped over too many boundaries for her. I do know I love her though and want her around for a while but I think I'll soon scare her off.. We'll see though

Its been awhile....again

"Love is the flower you have to let grow"- John Lennon
To me the quote means that love can start out as saying a simple hi or how are you, but as soon as you let it grow into more it becomes a great thing, a great thing that is uncontrollable. It doesn't matter if it grows together with you as friends with one another or a couple what matters its there.Its there because you've grown with the person and got to know the person, shared the ups and downs , the joy and pains, the heartbreaks and laughter but no matter what the love was there, where it was grown.

But now I realized that all the hearts I've broken them falling in love with me blooming them selves into a beautiful flower with out me I was still a bud when they were fallin in love with me deeply and when I wanted to move on they were still attached to my heart, which made it hard for me to let them know I never loved them and wanted them to let go and move on themselves.(harsh) Im still stuck in the bud stage forcing myself to grow, but its takin a lot of emotions out of me and I cant grow anymore to the beautiful flower that I want to become,want to be.... I guess I still need to find myself and keep my heart to myself...


I'm lost..

A new and fresh start....

So I'm talking to this new girl, we'll call her Trouble. She's, I guess, you could say a new lesbian. Meaning that she's never been with a girl and if we do get together I'll be her 1st in everything lesbianistic.lol i like my new word. We met on DL, and we hit it off right off the back. We talked about everything we possibly could before exchanging numbers and we still have yet to run out of meaningful things to talk about..

The thing that scares me the most about being with her is that I'll break her heart, hurt her and scar her for life. The other half of me wants to be the one to hold her heart, hold her when she's hurt and heal her wounds.. It's been a while since I've felt like being open, nice and romantic with someone new, that isn't from my past. I'm glad she shined the light on my path so I could move forward.

On the other hand, I know she's scared about being a lesbian and being in a relationship with another woman. Hell I was shittin bricks the first time I even had thoughts of another female. I'm just going to try and be her support system even though we aren't even together, I know she's a good person and she only deserves the best. The fact that shes not out scares her even more because she doesn't want to be caught, excommunicated or closed out by the people she holds dear to her. I understand that too, if I have to meet her at neutral places like the coffee shop so be it, its not bothering me and I know she's comfortable. It's all about her and I hope she realizes that soon.

The other night, was a night to remember.(March 19/20,2010)

We met at chic-fil-a. I had been washing clothes and she had spent all day, literally, getting her hair twisted (she's growing dreads).. She we met up around 8pm cuz she was hungry, I really wasn't so she ate and I had a milk shake. After she was done eating we went outside and talked for a long time about nothing. Chic-fil-a was closing we had sat there so long, the night went by to fast, so I walked her to her car and we were saying our goodbyes, then I dared myself to go in for the kill a kiss.. I was about 2 inches from her face when a stranger came up and was begging up from gas money!! Ugh I handed him $7 and she offered to met him at the local gas station to put gas in his tank off her debit card. I was so damn heated. I had to call my Ace on that one and she calmed me down.. I sounded like I was in high school all over again.

So we met the man at the gas station and she out $11 in his tank, so both of us combined gave him $18! Damn people sure can bribe other nowadays. Anyways, I filled up my tank and let her decided if she wanted the night to end. She didn't so we went to the park where we 1st met. I knew the park had closed at 9 and it was well around 11. We went anyways and the police came and said we had to leave so we just went back to the Chic-fil-a parking lot and there is where everything went down.

We started off in my car just sittin there talking about nothing. She was like "I should get going" playfully I responded "well get out" and she did went to her car stuck her key in the ignition and started her car up. I hopped out of my car so fast to stop her, I amazed myself of my agility. I asked her to stay a little while longer although it was already after midnight, I just couldnt let her leave on that note.

So she stayed until 330am.. We just hung out in the parking lot... I was holding her she was holding me it began to get cold after a while so the holding sessions started to last a long time. With everyone we began to get closer, mentally and physically with one another. She held my hands too :) I was smiling like a kid in the candy store on that. The simplest things throw me for a loop.

After sometime of nothing and playfully arguing.. I kissed her... Immediately after I began to work up an apology in my mind and I was 3 seconds away from blurting it out but she held me tighter and it gave me reassurance (in my mind) that it was okay with what I did. She just laid her head on my chest for a while and I held her close... Sometime past and we said our goodbyes with a few hugs and a few more kisses...

I haven't seen her since though but we've been texting all day and night... We planned to meet up for coffee tomorrow evening.. We'll see what lies ahead on the get together

...a twist

This poem is about an ex... I don't have a title for it though

She says I love u

I say I love u too

U fly out to see me

Countless

Kisses

Sex

Intimacy

Sharing a love

That's endless

And so was ur time

Saying Sweet nothings

With good byes

And the last Face to face

I love u

With tears in ur eyes

A half parted smile

I walk away

Ur on ur plane

Knowing u won't

See me the next day

You land

Greeted by the arrival

Of your ride

You say

I love u

She says

...I love u too

the past

So like I've said before my past always seems to find me at the worse time....


wait wait before I get on that...

Im SUPER horny right now.. Not like I can ignore it horny but the horny like you're ready to jump on the next thing with a pulse horny..

Anyways, I was talking with, I'm call her Real, Real and I have known each other for quiet some time now. We have that off and on type friendship.. There could've been an us a while ago but not so much now because things have changed on both of our ends. I moved away for school and she just isn't over her ex, at all. Well, yesterday Real asked, " would I want to be more than friends?" My heart and my mind are screaming inside of me YES YES YES! But I avoid answering that question.

Near the beginning of the year I wrote a poem I guess you could call it about her and how she made me feel and how I felt and sent it to her.. She said it made her feel special but nothing more came from the poem except bad news.

flame

A flame

That still burns

Despite the drama

The past

I know I still

Feel the burn

That warms me

See the flame

To guide me

The burning flame

Reminds me

You exist

And there could be a we

The fire u speak

Turns me

Back to you

My flame that burns

Insipred by Real

01/16/10

She says we can't get together because she is fighting to get her ex back. She knows that her and her ex has a slim to none chance of getting bak together. I'm trying to save her from the hurt that she's going to face because I've been in her shoes two to three times before. I missed so many opportunities chasing after people who didn't want to be with me anymore, so they would use me for whatever I had and be done with me and I would be still without them. Its a hard thing to stomach but I've let go and learned that things can't go as planned.

I read this quote today: "We can't put our future on hold for something that the past wouldn't allow to work." I stand by that quote because its true. If I was still wishing and hoping that H2 would talk to me or still tell me that she loved me; that I would be better off. It took a long while to realize I didn't need her anymore and that what we had was just a stepping stone to lead me to my future unto something better and greater.

But in the end, I can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved nor can I help them.